KNOT Magazine
Fall Issue 2022
Sheikha A.
Write me, Saudade
Floating on invisible meters,
you came to me like a verse
determined for a voice; just
as quickly as you fluttered
to me, over unwritten words
on this lonely night, you left
sailing like a confident eagle.
Not flown too far from post,
you tottered back to my page,
nesting a lost, fractured spirit;
could you have had a stumble
on gravelly penitence? By will
or persuasion, your narcissistic
feathers rest upon your chest,
closed from flight, your eyes
engulfed by an aimless mist
resuscitating long buried hope
of returning to the old home
of waiting, where time can be
held, inescapably.
One-sided
It’s odd how I don’t remember
your geographies, much less
histories. But, I know the land under
my feet right now is a rocky sea
of indecisive structures. I blame
your sand for spoiling my habits,
exposing me to unpredictability,
the escalating and plummeting,
teaching me heat, and then cold,
and then leaving me to fix
my inability to adjust.
Your gregarious moods have
ruined me. I talk the confused
babble of an ignorant know-it-all;
I walk with an arrogance sculpted
like your exaggerated architectures;
I whine under these un-catered
for inadequacies. You didn’t teach me
to be less, and now, I can’t
accustom to being a different more.
I carry about this one-sided
love affair, the frown by my brow
has become a ridged bridge hanging
over a mass of irreconcilability.
You prolong, unfazed, this distance,
and I walk a new land every day.
I watch you grow in pictures
or in people’s star struck words –
those new to your charms. But, I know
the land you were – you have been
building new histories.
I try magic
in nights as these
when your thoughts
coo a whisper
through my ears into cavities
of my being I filled up
with seedless words
ensuring they never root
from the water of my tears
flowing and regenerating
like platelets cycling the body
to survive
a wasted organ –
the heart.
I try memories
that grow
like vines from saplings
to slowly lengthening creepers
shrouding over bricks
I erected, one over another,
on ghouls of my flesh
inscribed with your name.
I try hallucinations
wherein you are sought
by deaths of reparations
come undone,
by philandering wants
to see you
break rivers rebellious
off sturdy dams.
I try sleep
to keep me in its abyss invisible
of the pit, of what awaits,
oscillating in semi-wakefulness
fighting my war
of should or shouldn’t,
of cling or release,
of resist or surrender.
Affixed
‘Don’t give your heart away
with the ease that you do,’
I remember distinctly the warning
she had me heed.
‘Just because you despise a land,
doesn’t mean it is cursed too.’
I had dreamt of these words recurrently
and like a bad dream keeping me away
from you, I recited all the omen breakers
I had known.
Surely, the woman knew nothing
of my heart and the land I was from.
Many years into successfully
replicating each day of the last
spent with you;
enabling mummification of the sun and moon
and holding time in prostrate,
I have bruised my eyes awake in wait.
Her wisdom hasn’t been able to
clear away the webs,
release my nights from vigour,
paraphrase the complicated quote I have become,
and get you to
un-stray my voyaging spirit.
Spare,
I wish to say, me
from wanting to go
back to memories
vicarious
I wish you’d extinct
of existence and I
celebrate a victory
tangible
to my feel on tips
of the very fingers
that have you
savoured
scent-wise; upon rings
that speak of destiny
contrary to lines
knowing
of your existence
somewhere.
How do I cure myself
of a phenomenon as strange
as this?
My fingers need
sparing
from the way you felt
against them.
Sheikha A. hails from Pakistan and United Arab Emirates and is the author of a short poetry collection titled Spaced [Hammer and Anvil Books, 2013]. Her work appears in over 40 literary zines/journals/magazines such as Red Fez, The Muse, Ygdrasil, A New Ulster, Pyrokinection, Mad Swirl, Carcinogenic Poetry, ken*again, American Diversity Report to name a few, and several anthologies by Silver Birch Press. Her recent publications have been in Switch [the Difference] anthology by Kind of a Hurricane Press and Twenty Seven Signs – Poetry Anthology by Lady Chaos Press. Her real name is Umm-e-Aiman Vejlani under which she also writes and has been published. She edits poetry for eFiction India. More about her publication (ad)ventures can be found on her blog sheikha82.wordpress.com